Overwhelmed

Today I feel overwhelmed.  There are a million thoughts running through my head.  You see, I am finishing school next week.  I am so excited to be done, but so scared at the same time.  For the last 20 years of my life, I have been going to school consistently, no breaks.  What am I going to do with my spare time?  That is the major question I have.  I can't bake 24/7.  We all know I would gain weight super fast if  I did that (although some people probably think that I do bake 24/7! :).  When I think of things I want to do with my spare time, I think of so many things I want to do: play with Kinsey more, practice the piano daily, keep a tidy house, be a dang good budgeter (we always seem to be good at creating a budget, but next follow through with punching in our purchases to make sure we stay in budget.).  We are doing fine, I just want to be super good and organized with my budget, and follow it. I want to learn how to save our family more money, strive to keep our diet healthy, and stay under control (snack thing still driving me nuts...).  I want to read, and finally read what I want to read.  College is demanding.  Its hard to find time to read other books, and not feel guilty about not reading your homework.  I want to not resort to watching TV all day, or even movies.  I want to organize our house-purge it of all unnecessary items.  Why and how did we get so much stuff?  Why do we need all of this stuff?  I want to spend more time with my husband.  I want to be more involved in my church calling.  I want to become a good gardener.  I want to be involved in the community-go to the events, take advantage of where I am living.  I want to be social, and let Kinsey be social.  I have such a tendency to be a homebody.  Its easier.  I want to go out, and do stuff with other people.  I just don't like calling or setting up times to do these things.  I don't want to burden or inconvenience someone, especially when I need them to watch Kinsey to have a date with my hubby (something that does not happen enough).  I want to not stress about what I eat.  I want to be happy to start exercising, instead of dragging my feet (something I do almost on a daily basis).  i want to be better at serving and being aware of people's needs and wants. I want to start writing consistently in my journal again.  I want to quit making excuses for saying my prayers while laying down at night.  I always feel guilty when I fall asleep during them.  Kneel, silly!   I want to want to do these things.  Half of my thoughts today have been something to the effect like "I want to practice the piano, but not right now, I can do it tomorrow".  Or, "I need to prepare my lesson for primary today, and not wait till the last minute to do it. Oh, but it won't hurt to do it on Saturday".  I want to be motivated.  That is my biggest fear.  I do have all of these things that I can and should do, but its just getting myself to do them.  That's what I fear. That is why I am scared to finish college.  Because, all of the sudden I do not have a crutch, an excuse for not doing these things.  My excuse has been "I have homework, maybe next time".  That excuse won't work in a weeks time.  I'm afraid that I just won't do what I want and should do.  That is why I am overwhelmed.

But, then I know that all of these want-to-dos won't happen all in one day.  I won't become the best house wife in the universe in one day.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  I will make mistakes.  IN a journal entry in at the beginning of 2008 (I just started reading it), I said "Today I was thinking about life, and first of all, I figured that mistakes are there for us to learn from and that we are stronger and more capable then we think we are."  I am going to hold onto what I said in that journal entry, and remind myself that I am stronger than I think I am.  With time, I can do all of these things.  With time, I will become more and more the person I want to be, the person my husband, daughter, and I deserve to be.  It will happen, in time. 

Oh.... I feel so much better.  Thanks for listening!